Bonderman Fellowship Blog: Letting Go

*Below is a blog I wrote during my time as a Bonderman Fellow

I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't know it would be the hardest part. Letting go. Letting go of the people you connect with and the places you fall for. It's a vicious cycle that goes something like this: move to a new city, meet new people, connect, get in a comfortable groove, then it's time to move and start all over again

When you meet others, both locals and travelers, a merger of sorts can occur. When I say merge, I mean you that you get to a level of comfort with each other, where you are both open, contributing to the exchange, vulnerable and transparent. Conversation flows, yet there is comfort in silence.

Many times, in the first 8 days, I have felt this merge. It's a lovely, uplifting, exciting and invigorating feeling. Obviously at times, it isn't there. Things feel flat and stale. Sometimes, the staleness passes if you stay long enough. Other times, barriers that are insurmountable between the two parties, at least in the short period of time you have.

I am fortunate to feel connection more than lack of. There are people, who I want to be with more, as we would only get closer over time. An unfortunate consequence of this connection is having to say goodbye. As you know it's most likely forever. As a friend told me " the weight of forever is so simple and real, so heavy and hard to fathom."

So far for me it's been the mostly challenging part of the solo, nomadic life: reducing attachment to the people and places that make you happy, at least enough to say goodbye. It has yet to be an easy process, and I don’t have comforting insight. I have felt a real sense of home in Ubud and Canggu. I have felt a real sense connection with a multitude of travelers and locals. Though I want to see two, maybe three continents ( around 30-40 countries) and this is only one island, of one country, of one continent. And it has only been a weeks time abroad.

But I must move on. I must leave, leave and leave again. I must continue to make the heartbreaking, yet necessary goodbyes. (As I am in the middle of writing this I had to say goodbye to a new friend, have a nice life Sophie!) The difficulty is ineffable. Though, I know along the way only more kindred spirits await me on my path. It's as one of the previous Bonderman Fellows, Christian, said to me before leaving, "when I got comfortable, I knew it was time to leave."

So here's to learning how to say goodbye to those special friends and teachers. To the amazing places, I've been so fortunate to let pass through me, and to all the experiences, which have given me that feeling of being home.

Scott